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Scenes From A Crowded Bar

Scene -A crowded and very LOUD bar in Manhattan on a Saturday evening.

Girl enters the bar and sees a Cute Guy standing by the bar. She approaches him.

Girl: Hi, I’m Girl.

Cute Guy: Hi, I’m Cute Guy.

Girl: So what do you do?

Cute Guy: I’m a prosecutor. What about you?

Girl (Thinks to herself, did he just say prostitute? Hmmm well maybe he has a weird sense of humor. I’ll just go with it): Oh really, me too!

Cute Guy: Really?? Where do you work??

Girl: Oh you know, that corner over there. 

Cute Guy stares blankly and sort of disgustedly.

Girl: Oh you said prosecutor, huh?

Cute Guy continues to stare blankly. 

Girl: Okay well I have to go run into oncoming traffic now. Peace. 


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You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

One time I was out at a neighborhood bar when it unexpectedly started raining. I found myself without an umbrella. Luckily, I met a nice gentleman who offered to give me his umbrella in exchange for my phone number. At the time, this all seemed very charming and valiant.  However, he never called. But I still use his umbrella.


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Chicken Wings

Offering a girl a chicken wing is a really bad way to hit on her.

Declining by pretending you have an eating disorder is an even worse way to respond.

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Stating the Obvious frequently sends me overly enthusiastic emails about guys they think are matches for me. The emails usually read something like this: 

You both have a pulse!

You both live in New York City!

You both think this picture of puppies is cute!

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It’s a Small, Awkward World

The most awkward thing in the world is when you encounter someone you know from the real world in the online dating world. Especially when you accidentally click on his profile and he can tell you looked at his profile and then he clicks on your profile and you can tell he looked at your profile. It’s a vicious, awkward cycle. You’d think this would be uncommon in a big place like let’s say, New York City, but it happens ALL THE TIME.